An Open Letter to Phish

April 13, 2009

Phish
c/o Vermont Chamber of Commerce
P.O. Box 37
Montpelier, VT 05601-0037

Dear Messrs. Anastasio, Gordon, McConnell and Fishman,

This summer, God willing, I will join with many others of your fans in seeing you perform at the Gorge Amphitheater in George, Washington (which, by the way, is the only US city named for the full name of a president (and how!)). Let me be the first to welcome you to our state in advance of your arrival. You have apparently found it to be totally fab, marvy, et al. in the past.

First, I would like to formally, but with all possible respect, lodge a complaint. Of course, if you have a specific department or officer of the Phish organization responsible for handling complaints, I ask your courtesy in forwarding this letter to same and/or providing a brief reply with the appropriate contact information; my thanks in advance. Anyway, I have, as yet, been unable to get tickets and am totally frustrated w/r/t my intent to purchase same through the usual-type channels; viz. Ticketmaster sold out within minutes and the only other outlet for passes seems to be a Web site k/a Stubhub.com. Apparently Stubhub.com is the place where all those nice pholks who got stuck with extra tickets, accidentally, incidentally and unfortunately, can re-sell their tickets for multiples of the face value. Said Web site is coincidentally/incidentally/only-marginally-relatedly owned by Ticketmaster. Ah, the wonders of technology and corporate subsidiaries. Anyway, I look forward to your thoughtful comments on this most-curious and totally-vibe-killing state of things.

Anyway, since there is a small chance I may not get a chance to see you do your totally-cool thing at the Gorge (at George) this coming August, I wanted to give you notes. After all, as one of the many home-studio enthusiasts and total commerical failures across this great musical nation of ours (the birthplace of jazz - dig it!), I feel uniquely qualified to provide you with some insights you can take to the bank.

First, the song "Farmhouse" was super in a sort of super-square way. "The Connection" was painfully, untractably square in a sort of oh-dear-God, Jimmy-Buffet-"Beach-House-on-the-Moon" sort of way. If you can sort out this difference, you may achieve true musical bodhisattva-hood. Anyway, some thought w/r/t this matter will surely help you avoid making your currently-under-way studio album a hot mess.

Second, "Mexican Cousin" really should be permanently buried. See, generally, the discussion of squaredom supra. When Walter Becker recently helped Madeleine Peyroux write a song and came up with the line "I'll be fucked like a high-school cheerleader", there was some debate among deeply-in-the-know cats about whether this signaled the murky wanderings of a 60 y/o mind burnt out on its own fuel or another round of pithy genius from the magic factory. Songs like M.C. could help resolve similar debates about you in an acutely disfavorable sort of way.

Well, my notes could go on for some time, but my glass of Cotes du Rhone is nearly empty and Lethal Weapon 2 is showing on basic cable. I look forward to receiving some answer to my complaint and I look forward to maybe seeing you in August. By the way, look out for my new single, "Don't Let the Fire Burn Out Just Because I Can't Give You Up", which I am self-releasing this Spring. Cool. Until then, I remain

yours truly,

Ry. "White Jazz" White

cc: Jimmy Buffett